Cancer Journey · Journaling


Day 4: July 10, 2017

I awoke this morning to my heart in knots. My sleep tracker says I was restless for 4 hours and 17 minutes and only slept for 4.5 hours. I tossed and turned and dreamed in fits. Oh, if I could never dream again, I think I would! Seriously, I often think of the line from the famous Christmas carol that talks about “deep and dreamless sleep.” How wonderful that would be! For my greatest fears and heartaches haunt me in my dreams. When I awaken, anxiety plagues me.

Austin is scheduled for bloodwork today. I’m trying to get it moved to Friday so we can knock out two appointments in one day and because a new nurse is coming to the house today. Austin has terrible veins. They hide and move and are deep in his skin. I’ve seen him poked like a pin cushion, but the worst is when they dig. They stick him with the needle, and then, believing they are close, they begin to look for the vein. It’s terrible. The pokes have been one of the hardest parts of this journey for Austin – from tears to fits, he hates them. I always warn new nurses about Austin’s veins, but only half of them believe me. They act like I’m just another paranoid mom trying to tell them how to do their job. They might even remind me how long they have been doing this. Then, they begin to look and poke, and oh yeah, he is a challenge. Duh, I told you so. So, when we find a nurse that works well with Austin, we like to keep ‘em, and when a new one comes, we worry.

I’m not sure how today will go or how bad my anxiety will be this week. I know God will walk it with us (Matthew 28:20), and He can work all things for good (Romans 8:28). But to be honest, sometimes, I don’t understand why He says no to our simple prayers for easy pokes or how His power could possibly shine though my anxiety and depression (see 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). Today, I am just thankful for the victory that is coming . . .

This we know,

We will see the enemy run.

This we know,

We will see the victory come.

We hold on to every promise You ever made,

Jesus, You are unfailing.*

I know how this story ends. Cancer doesn’t win. Anxiety loses. Death and grief and heartache meet their final defeat. Sorrow will be no more. Yes, this is the “joy in our heaviness.” No matter what the day holds, the victory is already ours!

. . . in a moment, in a twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we will be changed. For this corruptible body must be clothed with incorruptibility, and this mortal body must be clothed with immortality. When this corruptible body is clothed with incorruptibility, and this mortal body is clothed with immortality, then the saying that is written will take place:

Death has been swallowed up in victory.

Where, death, is your victory?

Where, death, is your string?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!

1 Corinthians 15:52-57 CSB (emphasis mine)


*Thanks to Vertical Church Band and one of my new favorite songs “This We Know”


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