Day 1: July 7, 2017
I have been holding back my words. It has been months since I have written a blog post – since before we found out Austin’s cancer had relapsed. I wrote in the “waiting,” but then when we knew, I just couldn’t bring myself to write. I couldn’t put anything into words for what felt like a long time. Then, one day, when I was feeling good and I was preparing to write that evening, the car broke down in the Kohl’s parking lot. After that, things have gone from crazy to worse, and at the end of the day, I am either too exhausted or too weary to think, to write, to relive the details of what some days feels like a nightmare – and on the good days, I want to pretend that the nightmare doesn’t exist.
But I am not holding up well. My heart is sick. Anxiety level off the chart. Depression kicking my butt like it hasn’t in years. I need to write. I need to remember God’s faithfulness and His steadfast love. I want to do these things, but I often need a little motivation to get started with something that is good but also can be difficult for me. Ever the competitive person that I am, I am challenging myself to get up 15 to 30 minutes earlier than I normally would and write first thing in the morning before I do anything else – every morning . . . until I run out of words or things to remember. The words will be fresh and real and unedited. Some days it may be too raw, too close to my heart for me even to share – so I will leave them here on the pages of my journal to keep between me and the Lord. And other days, I will share them on my blog – hoping that it might shine a light on our lives right now, promote awareness and especially to help someone else who is struggling or has struggled – because I get it: God is good and He loves us but sometimes life is so hard sometimes that you have to fight to remember these things. #thestruggleisreal #nomoreholdingback
Because of the LORD’S faithful love we do not perish, for his mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say, “The LORD is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in him.”
Jeremiah 3:22-24 CSB (emphasis mine)